I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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