It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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