i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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