I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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