she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
