I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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