my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
