I want to have your abortion
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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