So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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