hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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