I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
