Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
