If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
