Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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