I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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