he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Every concussion has its silver lining
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
