im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
