I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
