sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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