I CAN MOONWALK!
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
