I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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