On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
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He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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