Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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