she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
