we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
