can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
