well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
