chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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