people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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