I wish I only lived at night.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
