I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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