By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
