I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
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I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's shark week go big or go home
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go