either way he was missing a nipple.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
