He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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