I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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