Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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