Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
