This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
