I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
