I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
