Porn is love you can see.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
