when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
