I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
