Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
