I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
