i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
