dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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