You just made me feel so damn special
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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