I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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