Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
