can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
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My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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