I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
operation have a gay friend backfired
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
