Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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