half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I need moral support for this bender
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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