...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
