im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
